Sunday, July 24, 2011

Excerpt from Dance Lessons: Learning the Basic Steps of Relationships


God is in the process of partnering with you to find your future spouse. We all agree with that. We all agree that He wants you to have someone of the opposite sex. We all agree that partnering with parents and others that love you that God has given you is a wise move.
 Everyone has studied Proverbs 31, but for the most part, we do a “yeah, got it” to verses 1-9. Read a little about women knitting and the fact that they don’t sleep and their kids and husband love them. Then we highlight, verses 29 and 30, “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” Get our mom’s coffee mug with that verse slapped on there in cursive and go back to trying to find a spouse desperately trying not to care about the way she/he looks.
So I want to take a moment to bring some context back to this scripture. Since this Proverb is written to men, I am going to generally find applications that apply to men and it just too tedious to write he/she all the time. So work with me here. Everything that I am saying applies both ways in most cases. Don't write me an email reminding me how everything here applies to both...got it.
In the first half we find that the author of this Proverb was a woman: King Lemuel’s mom. Jewish Tradition held that King Lemuel was actually Solomon and that King Lemuel’s mother was Bathsheba. I have nothing to argue against it. I wouldn’t bet my salvation on it, but I don’t see Lemuel anywhere else in the scripture.

Verses 1-3 (ESV):
The words of King Lemuel. An oracle that his mother taught him:
What are you doing, my son? What are you doing, son of my womb? What are you doing, son of my vows? Do not give your strength to women, your ways to those who destroy kings.

So here we have a concerned mother, most likely, Bathsheba not exactly thrilled with perhaps her young son’s choices in women. I think all of us have had a mom say something to that effect. That’s what mom’s do, they worry about their sons. They worry that the woman they marry will shipwreck them. They will turn their career to failure, their marriage to a three-time loser, who now has to move back home. Trust me, your mom has those thoughts.
The point she is making here is that a son dedicated to God has no business going after women that want him for his hefty bank account and life on easy street. Reality check for men. If you win her with your money, you will lose her with your lack of cash. Reality check for women. If you win him with your body, you will lose him when you lose the tightness on your tummy.

Verses 4-7 (ESV):
It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine, or for rulers to take strong drink, lest they drink and forget what has been decreed and pervert the rights of all the afflicted. Give strong drink to the one who is perishing, and wine to those in bitter distress; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.

Lemuel’s mom then admonishes her son not to waste his life. Simple stuff here. Leave being an idiot to those on the streets. Some scholars argue that leaving the drinking and drugging to those who were poor and destitute is tongue in cheek. The point that Lemmy’s mom is getting across is that classy men don’t waste their lives like those who have no hope or future. In fact she goes on to teach him to be an example to them and look after those who are poor.

Verses 8-9 (ESV)
Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.

King Lemuel is to be a truly noble man. He was to speak up for those who couldn’t speak up for themselves. He would be a modern day social justice hero. Here is where Lemmy’s mom makes it very clear about the most important part of his life. She spent two verses telling not to go after whores, three verses on not being an alcoholic or drug addict, two verses on looking out for the rights of others and ruling fairly and then she spends 21 verses on finding the right woman. I guess it’s kinda important.
I’m going with the Message and the ESV side by side for this portion so that you can do an easy compare and contrast as sometimes you need the Message to bring to light some of the words that are foreign to us, even in English.

Hymn to a Good Wife
A good woman is hard to find,
   and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
   and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
   all her life long.

10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.
 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.
 12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

Observation/Interpretation:
The first thing that King Lemuel’s mother shares with her son is that a good woman is hard to find. This implies that finding a good woman isn’t going to be easy. It will take time, the ability to discern a good woman from a not-so-good woman, and it will be the most important investment he will ever make.
But the reality is a good woman is hard to find. Strange, 3000 years later, men are still nodding in their heads in agreement. The interesting thing is that men in that day were looking for the wrong kind of “good”. Things haven’t changed. She will go on to explain what good looks like, but for a moment she lets him know that when he finds a good woman he needs to hold on to her, cause she is worth more than money could ever hope to buy.
The first characteristic of this good woman is she doesn’t give her husband negativity, but treats him with unbelievable love seeking to do him good all his life. How many marriages do you know look like that? How many times have you seen a woman dotingly look at her husband and think to herself, ‘I wonder how I can do him good, today.’ In America, it seems that if a couple merely gets along they are doing fantastic. But this woman does her man good, and not harm. She seeks to serve her husband.
Application:


  •    Men, take time to search for a good woman. It’s worth it.
  •    Men, find a woman who looks for opportunities to do good to those she loves.

She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
   and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
   and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
   for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
   then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
   rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
   is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
   diligent in homemaking.
13 She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar.
 15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.
 16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
 17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.
 18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.
 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. (Pro 31:13-19 ESV)

Observation/Interpretation:
This woman knew how to shop, where to shop, and a good deal when she saw one. She didn’t have debt and in fact knew how to save money and invest it. She had no image or self-esteem issues, She understood the importance of who she was and what she did.
She worked until whatever needed to be done was done. Laziness was not in her vocabulary. She crafted her work with skill. She used the spindle and distaff with expertise. The "distaff" was a rod that held raw wool while spinning. The "spindle" was the stick the spinner twirled between her fingers that took up the spun wool.
This woman handled her money with wisdom. This is something that men could learn from as well. Financial stress is one of the leading causes of divorce.
Application:
  •  Men, look for a woman who knows how to dress for less.

That isn’t a plug for Ross, but it is a plug for a woman who knows how to put herself together without going into debt.

  •    Men, look for a woman with a solid self-image who values what she does

If a person doesn’t value themselves, then they can’t serve you out of a generous heart, but rather out of a heart that is constantly looking to you for worth. And when, not if, you make a mistake in the marriage—i.e. sin against her—you will find a deep struggle that will lead to other issues of lost trust.

  •    Men, look for a woman who loves what she does and isn’t lazy.

  •    Men, ask questions about financial stability.


She's quick to assist anyone in need,
   reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
   their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
   and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.
 21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
 22 She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.
 (Pro 31:20-22 ESV)

Observations/Interpretations:
This woman serves the poor, but never neglects the needs of her own family. In fact, her family is dressed to the nines. She doesn’t over spiritualize herself. She gives to the poor and helps those in need. However, she doesn’t put on rags herself or allow her family to not look their best. This woman doesn’t do ministry out of her own brokenness, but out of her love and generosity.
You are probably friends with at least one or two people who are socially off. They over-spiritualize what they do when they give to the poor, but you can’t deny they are out there rain, sleet, or snow helping poor people. Then they remind you how unspiritual you are for not doing likewise. They may even criticize you for not shopping at the thrift store.
Now there are some people who are the really cool bohemian types that shop at the thrift store and hang out with the poor and have that really chill, laid back personality. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about the person who is always finding some crisis with which they need to be involved. They are always talking about how little sleep they got. They are always talking about how little they actually got to eat. They are always sharing a story about some wayward person that they had to help. There is no joy there. They are merely covering up their brokenness and not dealing with their hurt. Instead of turning to drugs, alcohol, or some other coping mechanism, they have chosen to find someone worse-off than themselves to dive into and share in his or her misery.
I think that is better than drugs or alcohol, but it doesn’t solve the real issue. The person needs to turn their issues over to Jesus by dealing with their struggles in community.

Application:
  • Men, find a woman who reaches out to the poor.
  • Men, find a woman who knows how to take care of themselves and those she loves.
Her husband is greatly respected
   when he deliberates with the city fathers.
Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. (Pro 31:23 ESV)

Observation/Interpretation:
This woman knew how to pick a man. She got a man was respected by the leaders of the community. What a huge deal that was. On the flip-side, her character was one that brought nothing but praise upon her husband. She is looking out for and looking to advance his career.
So, ladies, the question has to be asked of the guy you’re dating or wanting to date. Does he have the respect of the leaders of your community? And, men, does she have the capacity to help you in your career. If she is not into your career, you will have a huge divide. How many hours a day will you spend on doing your career? Let’s say a minimum of 40 hours a week. That is how food gets on the table. That’s how the bills are paid, and that is where a huge part of your joy in life should be found.
 If she is not interested in what you do, it’s hard for her to support what you do and help you advance. Ladies, if you want to win a man, encourage him in his career. He needs to know that you are going to be behind him in whatever he does.

Application:
  •  Women, find a man respected by the leaders of your community.
  •    Men, find a woman who selflessly helps others succeed.
She designs gowns and sells them,
   brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
   and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
   and keeps them all busy and productive.
She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.
 25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
 27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. (Pro 31:24-27 ESV)

Observation/Interpretation:
This woman knows how to run a home. No laziness here. She is busy and her house is organized and everyone knows their role. But oddly enough she is not a tyrant. Kindness drips off her lips. It’s one thing to work hard, it’s another thing altogether to work hard and be kind. She doesn’t sweat the small things and looks to serve rather than be served. She also looks good in the midst of her work. But then it’s hard not to be attractive when you are so kind and warm.
Men, I want you to notice it’s this woman’s kindness and industrious nature which make her even more attractive. That is what you’re looking for.

Application:
  • Men, find a woman who is not lazy.
  • Men, find a woman who can run a house.
  • Men, find a woman who is kind.
Her children respect and bless her;
   her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
   but you've outclassed them all!"

28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
 29 "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." (Pro 31:28-29 ESV)

Observation/Interpretation:
Everyone reading this desires their family to say this of them. That kind of praise doesn’t come undeserved. This woman has outdone them all. She has worked hard and has received the praise she deserved. Her husband knows that she needs to be recognized and does so accordingly. He doesn’t try and steal the spotlight when it is her turn to be recognized. He wants to lift her up and that might be the reason she works so hard, she is loved well.
Notice that you don’t hear her rejecting praise in some sort of false humility. She just accepts it. She doesn’t over-spiritualize it and talk about how she is just God’s servant and that it was really nothing. She just accepts it.

Application: 
  • Women, find a man who knows how to affirm others.
  • Men, find a woman who knows how to take a compliment.
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
   The woman to be admired and praised
   is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
   Festoon her life with praises!
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
 (Pro 31:30-31 ESV)

Observation/Interpretation:
Here are the verses that we all know. We must take them in context with what has preceded it. The woman that King Lemuel’s mom described might as well be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. The reason she received praise wasn’t her looks or charm.
A lot of women needing attention use every flirt trick in the book to get it. I’m not talking about women who are fun or nice, I’m talking about the ones that paw every man they come in contact with and are fishing for compliments. Unchecked charm will mislead other men to think she is really interested in them. I promise you it never bodes well for those who search after shiny things.
The woman that King Lemuel wants for her son is one that lives in the Fear-of-God. She doesn’t live for her husband. She lives for God. Men, you want that every time. She won’t be affected when you’re an idiot. She doesn’t serve you, because of how magnanimous and wonderful you are, but because she fears the Lord.
The great thing about being this kind of woman is that it results in reward from her family and the community. People want to be around her. She doesn’t search out praise, but you can’t help but praise her.

Application:
  • Men, stop searching for the Mother Teresa who is also a Victoria’s Secret model.
  • Men, find a woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
  • Women, live in the Fear-of-God.
Ladies, I am serious here. If you live in the fear of being single, get ready for your worst nightmare. If you live in the Fear-of-I-don’t-want-to-break-up-with-him-cause-it-might-hurt then you are walking into a catastrophe. Whether you are afraid of it hurting him or it hurting you, be wise and end it. In the end, he’ll thank you for letting him get on with his life.


No comments:

Post a Comment